Note: The long-awaited post is finally here. Before I start, I would like to declare that this would be a long post explaining why I quit from the very first detail to when Judgement Day finally occurred. If you are interested to read, please bear with me. Be advised, some of things I am going to say is alarming and would not be considered normal. I have to admit it was said at the heat of the moment at that time.
Introduction
Here in the Philippines, taking up a medical profession is seen a a great endeavor for one will be respected by the community as well as earning a stable income enough to provide your basic needs. However, it is also one of the most grueling courses since it would require four years of pre-medical college course, four years of medical school proper, one year of post-graduate internship of which you take the Physician Licensure Examinations afterwards, then after you pass you take up three years of residency, then another three years of fellowship, then congratulations! You are finally a practicing physician.
In addition, I would like to add that there is this mentality here where the children should follow the career path of their parents. This is further seen where if both parents are doctors, that in addition if one has relatives in the medical profession. That is my case why I was subconsciously forced to take medicine in the first place. In addition to both of my parents being doctors, one of my uncles in my father's side is a doctor along with his four sons who also became doctors while one of the cousins in my mother's side also became a doctor after passing the board exams last September 2017. Here, I will explain why I quit and how it started.
And now let us begin:
It is true the medical school is a very long and difficult process. One can start from the never-ending bombardment of things to study, the thick medical textbooks, and the notion of being "stuck" in school for the next four-five years or so while your friends are already enjoying their careers and not being stuck in academics. These kinds of "horror stories" passed on to those who want to pursue medicine as their career goal. Of course, if one truly wants it, they would strive for it no matter what. To those pursuing this career and continuing on despite repeating, I congratulate you for having the patience and perseverance because I for one don't.
Months Before Medical School
For my case, it was a half-hearted, half-assed endeavor to begin with. I truly did not want to take medicine because it was a stressful process. I was only there because the income attracted me. During my four years as an undergraduate Biology student at the University of San Carlos, I was constantly bombarded with academic requirements. When I was 4th Year in college, I tried to join the USC Mountaineers organization thinking I had time to do so. It was bad thing to do during the 1st semester of my last year in college since every week we had so much things to do from exams to reports plus defending the undergraduate thesis. By 2nd semester of my last year - the remaining five months - I thought I could finally breathe from the difficult years ranging from 2nd Year to the 1st semester of 4th Year. How wrong could I have been. The first month of 2nd semester, which began in November 2016, was relatively light. However, as December 2016 to January 2017 came, that's when everything came crashing down like bricks again. Gone were all the free time that I DID NOT take for granted but were full of exams and reports again. One thing at the end of the month of January 2017 that stuck me was when I could not attend my co-mountaineer applicant and former classmate's 20th birthday because I had some midterm exams the following day even technically midterms week was already over. At that night as I looked back at my entire college life in Biology that I was always bound to books, it hit me even harder the more I would be bound to books at medical school. And much worse, since it would stretch on for the next four years or so to come. In a heated discussion with my parents that night, I declared that after this last semester at USC, I could no longer withstand another direct academic attack. They asked me if the reason why I said that because I sacrificed not being able to go to my friend's birthday party and I replied "Yes, that is the reason why and more of it will happen once I will be in medical school. In short, I don't want to be attacked by things to study anymore." So from there on, life continued on. Contrary, I did enjoy my final months in college but in exchange, I really was not able to join USC Mountaineers due to the demand of the Biology course.
I retook the National Medical Admission Test (NMAT) on March 29, 2017 and when the results came out, I was disappointed since my percentile rank dropped form 58% in October 2016 to 52% for March 2017. Cracks started appearing here. Fast forward to April 10, 2017, I graduated with a degree of Bachelor of Science in Biology. The next phase was then applying for medical school, which I was already nervous about after hearing of the horror stories coming from medical students.
The Application Phase
Since my parents came from the Cebu Institute of Medicine (CIM), they wanted me to go there since it has the best training in the entire Philippines. Naturally, I kept on saying I didn't want but then I told myself maybe it was worth the try. Around mid-May 2017, I passed my application form and got called for the interview. To be honest, the interview went alright at first until the interviewing doctor asked why my NMAT score is low, since CIM required a 65% percentile rank. I honestly told him that both times in October 2016 and March 2017 were busy months in college due to thesis and finals. Instead, all I got was an irritated rant from him that I should have prepared for it better and that "he was wasting his time" interviewing me because they made it absolutely clear that they ONLY accept those who have a 65%. In short, I was a waste of his precious time and "admission space" for them. However, they still called me for re-interview along with those other applicants who had a score below the 65% cutoff. During that time, this two others and I were lectured about what the school expects from those who apply whether you made it to the cut-off or not. They were placing us under probation. After the interview was over, I decided to call it quits for CIM. I did not want to be in a competitive environment for the next four years.
I then decided to apply at Cebu Doctor's University. The same week, I got called for an interview. The interview happened on June 9, 2017 and I got accepted on the spot. The only anomaly pointed out was why I had to repeat Logic in undergraduate (btw, f*ck you LOGIC you useless POS subject) but other that it went on fine. I had two more months to enjoy of whatever free time I had left, so I went on a long-awaited hike with the USC Mountaineers as a guest climber to Mount Manunggal and Mount Mauyog on June 17-18, 2017 and went partying in Sentral and Craft. Little did I know from that point on, the whole thing was bound to go to Hell...
At Mount Mauyog, June 17, 2017.
At Mount Manunggal with the USC Mountaineers as a guest climbers, June 18, 2017
The Unexpected Gathering at The Sentral (now Complex), bet. July 1-2, 2017 (10:55 pm - 3:09 am)
Freshmen Year
On August 7, 2017 began the next chapter of my life. It was the first day of my journey in medical school. Before entering Cebu Doctor's University that day, I was actually a bit shaking with fear and mumbling to myself: "Oh God, this is it. It's really happening." over and over again. The first week was orientation week, showing us what will occur during first year, what requirements are expected from us, and what the objectives to be completed. The first week was slow. I was able to meet my first new friends along with those who came from the Department of Biology from USC. On the second day, we were bluntly told that our next four years would be Hell and that "we should not be discouraged of our friends who were already working and enjoying the feeling of earning income." On the third day, we began our first mock student group discussion (SGD) and got to know my group whom I would be working for the next ten months. Around the fourth day, the school already announced we will have our first quiz regarding the orientation. The fifth day, I suffered an emotional breakdown while having dinner with my family in Ding Hao Dimsum House, since everything felt like so heavy and it was only the first week. I actually felt wanting to jump ship already before things got worse. I felt I had to everything including the reflection papers and trying to cram everything in my head. Parents told me to take it easy since I had a rough week but I insisted on working that night to the point I overextended myself.
The following week we had first exam and it felt like I just entered a point-of-no return. Of course, the first month was actually very merciful since we Medicine people got caught in transition as we began on August while the undergrads began theirs on June meaning we get to experience the Intrams Week after the first two weeks. We got to rest but we had to attend several events just to get plus points. Plus points that we thought would help. However, mine was a clusterf*ck since the two weeks was wasted since I was not able to go out on an adventure and my batchmates in college had a spontaneous outing without being able to inform me because of a breakdown in communications.
Those two weeks gave passed, I would have begged for more mercy. Mercy that would never come.
While Block 2 of the Basic Biomedical Sciences (hardly ever basic) was rocky, the real cracks started appearing in Block 3 with the neuroanatomy and the musculoskeletal system. Everything was so difficult that the whole block was mainly a FUBAR*.
* F_cked Up Beyond Any Recognition.
The whole month of November 2017 marked when there was no peace found in our house. I constantly argued with my parents and had several breakdowns in the table to the point I stabbed some food with a fork several times until it turned to mush. Block 4 came and I wanted to quit since I knew the whole thing was already falling apart. Yet, my parents continued to push me on. It appeared it was the way how I studied the blocks was wrong and it somehow could be remedied.
It could be remedied...Or so it seemed...by then it was already too late.
At least during Christmas break, peace did briefly return to the house.
The Second Half: Where Everything Fell Apart For Good
2018 began with no much funfare. The return to class was met with a quiz, the same thing that always meets us all every week. The block exams for Block 4 came the day after Sinulog - meaning we were confined to our homes to study for it - something that I have already accepted that will be gone once I am in medical school. The same weekend, my grandfather was hospitalized over a hip fracture as a result of slip. Due to the time I was preparing for the Block 4 exams, I was not able to visit him. Even after the blocks, there were so many requirements to be passed that I still was not able to pay a visit. Exams did not even end yet.
Then on February 1, 2018, the end finally came. I knew it was it. The Block 3 grades were released and predictably it was the lowest I got. It was it. It was already hopeless from that point on. Instead of facing it humbly or crying at the back, I turned all of it into pure intense, unstoppable rage. I phoned my mom and told her how f*cked everything was from that point. And to top of it, I was shouting and cursing in the hallway, not giving a f*ck who saw me. I said the "whole place can literally burn in Hell" and that "fighting in warzone was better, picking up rifle was better". I was no longer in my right mind, I actually cursed so loud in the hallway some my classmates asked if I was alright. Ignoring them, I turned to texting my mother, all caps and full of curses, making up things being called "stupid", "incompetent", "retarded", and whatever insults be hurled at me in addition of making up threats to quit, find a boxed work since no more obligations after work, or even joining the armed forces (since I said that time picking up a rifle was better than being stuck in academics, anyways out pure rage). Once I did come to my senses, my father called me on regards why I had a sudden outburst and I frankly told him I wanted to quit. Then I remembered I have not yet visited my grandfather who was in the hospital for the 12th day straight. That night in home, the tension could still be felt. I indulged myself in alcohol while everything in my mind called for bloodshed and destruction alike. At that point, I really felt that I was the most miserable person in the world.
Two days later, on February 3, 2018, our group conducted research on the soil-transmitted helmenthiasis (STH) from the fecal samples of the residents there. The research was conducted the whole day from 9 am to 5 pm. The plan afterwards of going to church was to visit my grandfather on the 14th day of his hospitalization. Since the mass would start at 6 pm, I was in a hurry to go home to get prepared for it. After mass, there was birthday party for my baby cousin held in my uncle's house after mass. I decided to get dinner there before heading to the hospital. My parents weren't able to come with us to church due to emergencies. As I was eating dinner, my father called asking me if I was in the party. Less than 15 minutes later, my father called this time and spoke on the phone with a low voice, wanting to talk to my uncle. I suspected something bad happened judging by how my father sounded. I then passed my phone to my cousin who then passed to my uncle. After a while of speaking and having a stern face, I knew it was already it. My grandfather passed away on the day I was supposed to visit him. An hour later, we arrived at the hospital with my cousins. It was the least I could do, visit while I saw my grandfather laying on the hospital lifeless. Out of pure anger, I wanted to punch or kick the IV pole. I beat myself for not being able to visit him, stating the whole thing was my fault though everyone said it was no one's fault. Because my grandfather passed away on a Saturday, they could no longer wait for the following weekend for the burial. The burial was held on a Wednesday and while technically I could have filed for absent, my grades were really down from the previous block and it needed so much attention. I could not afford to miss the SGD since every grade I could receive would matter in the final. Pfft, Frankly at this point, I was already marching towards the inevitable.
I have already accepted once I am in medical school, I will no longer be able to experience the things I enjoyed in college due to the demanding nature of it. That I can accept. You can show me all the things I will miss: be it Halloween, Sinulog, or any wild party there is, because those do not matter. What I cannot accept however was the fact family matters will also be put aside. That I cannot handle. What one of the second years then told me at the first week of class about how she was not able to go to her grandmother's wake and burial finally came back to bite me back in ass months later.
The final months of medical school, I felt like I was losing my sanity everyday. I was always angry and resentful for everything that happened. Even worse, I was becoming increasingly right-wing in views. I was also already starting to cross the moral event horizon since one day in February, there was news of a mass shooting occurring in Parkland, Florida. Out of pure rage and further proof of whatever sanity was slipping, I actually said the whole thing was a "conspiracy" and that "gun control is for wusses" since I was so angry with everything that I actually supported the wrong thing. Then people noticed I was becoming increasingly political on FaceBook and kept on posting controversial memes as my posts became even more right-wing. I also did other insensitive posts on FaceBook such as when the whole #MarchForOurLives movement occurred worldwide, I kept on saying pro-gun ownership comments as well as making statements of "joining a right-wing death squad" in order to "weed out the degenerates of our society." I was constantly calling for war, destruction, massacres, genocide, and bloodshed whenever the opportunity presented itself out of pure anger since the pain was already unbearable. Every time I did it, I always formed a malicious smile on my face, as if I was satisfied with all these evil thoughts formulation in my mind. And this continued on until the final months.
March 2018 was when I finally lost my top. The statistician frankly told me that pulling up my grades would be "unlikely". "F*ck them for calling me an idiot." I said to myself, completely twisting what they said. On March 28, 2018, I had my first episode of finally losing control of anger. I three two padlocks at the door and the pantry, then took out a kitchen knife and started stabbing my books and papers. And since I was not enough, I took a PVC pipe that functioned as a makeshift flagpole and started hitting things with it until I came to my senses. My disturbed mind found it really satisfying letting all that rage out. Thinking there was still hope left in this increasingly hopeless endeavor, my parents let me see a priest where I was able to talk all my pain about. The priest was able to give me some advice on how to face the hardships as well as telling me the failing medicine won't mean the end of the world. For once I felt lightened, but it was only temporary...
The following week saw another episode of rage as destroyed one stool by repeatedly kicking its leg until it snapped following a difficult quiz. The countdown to the finals have began and another episode involved me slashing my papers with a pen and a knife to the point a mark was left on the antique dinner table. The marks are still there and continue to symbolize my sanity slippage back then in medical school.
April and May saw no difference. Although the episodes of rampage no longer appeared, I already knew the whole thing was over and done. Come the final day of medical school, May 10, 2018, and I did not really care what would happen next. I ate dinner with my SGD friends and then we went our separate ways while anxiously waiting for the grade.
The days to Judgement Day were numbered...
I have already accepted once I am in medical school, I will no longer be able to experience the things I enjoyed in college due to the demanding nature of it. That I can accept. You can show me all the things I will miss: be it Halloween, Sinulog, or any wild party there is, because those do not matter. What I cannot accept however was the fact family matters will also be put aside. That I cannot handle. What one of the second years then told me at the first week of class about how she was not able to go to her grandmother's wake and burial finally came back to bite me back in ass months later.
The final months of medical school, I felt like I was losing my sanity everyday. I was always angry and resentful for everything that happened. Even worse, I was becoming increasingly right-wing in views. I was also already starting to cross the moral event horizon since one day in February, there was news of a mass shooting occurring in Parkland, Florida. Out of pure rage and further proof of whatever sanity was slipping, I actually said the whole thing was a "conspiracy" and that "gun control is for wusses" since I was so angry with everything that I actually supported the wrong thing. Then people noticed I was becoming increasingly political on FaceBook and kept on posting controversial memes as my posts became even more right-wing. I also did other insensitive posts on FaceBook such as when the whole #MarchForOurLives movement occurred worldwide, I kept on saying pro-gun ownership comments as well as making statements of "joining a right-wing death squad" in order to "weed out the degenerates of our society." I was constantly calling for war, destruction, massacres, genocide, and bloodshed whenever the opportunity presented itself out of pure anger since the pain was already unbearable. Every time I did it, I always formed a malicious smile on my face, as if I was satisfied with all these evil thoughts formulation in my mind. And this continued on until the final months.
March 2018 was when I finally lost my top. The statistician frankly told me that pulling up my grades would be "unlikely". "F*ck them for calling me an idiot." I said to myself, completely twisting what they said. On March 28, 2018, I had my first episode of finally losing control of anger. I three two padlocks at the door and the pantry, then took out a kitchen knife and started stabbing my books and papers. And since I was not enough, I took a PVC pipe that functioned as a makeshift flagpole and started hitting things with it until I came to my senses. My disturbed mind found it really satisfying letting all that rage out. Thinking there was still hope left in this increasingly hopeless endeavor, my parents let me see a priest where I was able to talk all my pain about. The priest was able to give me some advice on how to face the hardships as well as telling me the failing medicine won't mean the end of the world. For once I felt lightened, but it was only temporary...
The following week saw another episode of rage as destroyed one stool by repeatedly kicking its leg until it snapped following a difficult quiz. The countdown to the finals have began and another episode involved me slashing my papers with a pen and a knife to the point a mark was left on the antique dinner table. The marks are still there and continue to symbolize my sanity slippage back then in medical school.
April and May saw no difference. Although the episodes of rampage no longer appeared, I already knew the whole thing was over and done. Come the final day of medical school, May 10, 2018, and I did not really care what would happen next. I ate dinner with my SGD friends and then we went our separate ways while anxiously waiting for the grade.
The days to Judgement Day were numbered...
Countdown to Judgement Day
I needed to let my mind off the hook for once. So I kept on playing Dead Island: Definitive Edition on my PS4 as well as visiting my old campus in USC to meet up with some friends who were still there. I also became the escort of one of the Senior High students for their graduation ball in addition to attending a college batch reunion in The Grid and watching Deadpool 2 with former thesis mates. There was still research ongoing which was the only thing I could hope for pulling up the grade even though I already accepted defeat a long time ago. I enrolled boxing in a gym so I could vent all my anger out in the right way as well as to somehow forget the notion of the grades being released. At the end of the month, my family and I went to Bohol and I was able to try the bicycle zipline in the Chocolate Hills Adventure Park in Carmen.
When June came, it was the same as ever. Everyone was still anxiously waiting for their grades. I got tons of messages from people when if I was already second year. Initially it was alright, but later it became so irritating that I wanted to ignore them all. The day before Judgement Day was one of the happiest days of my life. We were in Ayala and there was an Armed Forces exhibit in honor of the Independence Day of the Philippines. In the exhibit were various historical pieces, weapons on display, stories from veterans, reenactors, and actual service members from the Army, Navy, Marines, and the Air Force. I was so happy because I was able to hold the weapons on display. One time, I picked up of the R4 assault rifles on display and yelled while waving it in the air: "F*ck going back to school, joining the armed forces is better. You get to hold one of these cool stuff!" Afterwards, we watched Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom and the movie really let things of the hook.
All those joys were about to end the following day.
The Day It Came
June 13, 2018 started out as an ordinary day. An ordinary until a classmate of mine announced that the grades have been released. I didn't not want to check it because I already knew the results even without checking. I would not lie since I knew how I performed and I will be very honest, IT. WAS. NOT. GOOD. I got already a ton of messages and phone calls from my classmates asking how it was; but ignored it. Not seen zoned, but merely flat-out ignored. Eventually, my mother arrived from work and asked how I was. Then I lost it again, I threw a metallic stabler to door of my parent's room, causing a dent and some pieces of wood to be moved. I then threw the stool I was sitting at, causing a loud crashing sound. Still not satisfied, I then took out a pole and started smashing things in the house, angry why I had to suffer for a half-assed endeavor that I did not want be stuck with the next four or more years. It was too much bear. Even smashing things did not satisfy my anger, I continued grabbing objects and threw them across the house all while shouting horrible obscenities and saying that I was better off joining the Navy or the Coast Guard and maybe enlist in NAVSOG or Coast Guard Special Operations Group. Then afterwards, I threatened I'd go on drinking with my friends at BBQ Boss that night. Once everything started to settle, I still refused to check my grade. The phone calls and messages kept pilling up at this point. I really wanted to put off my phone, lock myself in the room, and shoot the next person that comes knocking on my door asking how my grade is.
By nightfall, I still refused to check my grades despite repeated requests from my parents to do so. I asked myself why check when I already I assumed the whole thing was already good as failed. The amount of messages on my Messenger was already flooding. People were desperate for wanting know. I already saw several of my friends posting that they passed and thanking the Lord.
Giving in the pressure, I checked my grade and the rest is history. I don't need to say what happened next. The only thing in my mind was now to get away from that endeavor as far as possible.
A groupmate of mine from the SGD group called me that night once I had urge to pick up my phone. She asked me how the grade and I bluntly told her about everything. After a moment of silence, she asked: "So what's your plan?" I then replied, but half-heartedly: "What else is there to do? Continue obviously..." I said not wanting to disappoint others and not to look like a coward in their eyes.
That night, my classmate from college Jenny and her friend Jerome came to visit me to show comfort. It is the same feeling when someone in you know passed away. That night, my father took me to Ampersand to cheer me up.
Seeing the grade was liberating, in the bad way. I had now tons of messages to answer and explain why.
By nightfall, I still refused to check my grades despite repeated requests from my parents to do so. I asked myself why check when I already I assumed the whole thing was already good as failed. The amount of messages on my Messenger was already flooding. People were desperate for wanting know. I already saw several of my friends posting that they passed and thanking the Lord.
Giving in the pressure, I checked my grade and the rest is history. I don't need to say what happened next. The only thing in my mind was now to get away from that endeavor as far as possible.
A groupmate of mine from the SGD group called me that night once I had urge to pick up my phone. She asked me how the grade and I bluntly told her about everything. After a moment of silence, she asked: "So what's your plan?" I then replied, but half-heartedly: "What else is there to do? Continue obviously..." I said not wanting to disappoint others and not to look like a coward in their eyes.
That night, my classmate from college Jenny and her friend Jerome came to visit me to show comfort. It is the same feeling when someone in you know passed away. That night, my father took me to Ampersand to cheer me up.
Seeing the grade was liberating, in the bad way. I had now tons of messages to answer and explain why.
Coping Up
The Initial Fall Out
"You made me suffer there!"
"I would have been spared of that horrible fate had you let me quit earlier!"
"...and for what? To fight to the end?!? Even if we already know what was bound to happen? Are we trying to play the Alamo here when it was already hopeless from that point?"
- Thoughts of my mind following Judgement Day
My mind was different the following day. I posted on stories that I should not be too hard on myself. Those messages came flooding again, but this time they were no longer asking me about the grades. They were asking me if I was alright and what did those things I posted meant. Replying one by one, one guy named Mark Tayco told me to think it through if you want to change career. Another one, a classmate of mine named Franz, told me to continue pushing on. Others like Edward and my Nepali medical classmate named Anish said the same thing. Then another one, her name Mary Angeli, told me she too did not make it and wanted me to continue with her. At that time, I was physically and emotionally drained that I wanted to disconnect from reality. This must be some horrible dream. I told myself. Maybe if I wake, I am still a 4th Year college undergrad and it is still the beginning of second semester of my last year in college. Maybe I still have time to reedeem myself and even join USC-M even more. However, it was not a dream. It was all too real. It was the already the half of the year 2018. I knew if I continue in medicine in CDU or in another school I would be driven to madness even further. The days after Judgement Day, I kept calling myself an "idiot" and "retard" online. Some people came to me and said that it's not true and that I should not beat myself up for it. I knew I had to distance myself from the actual course of medicine because it was not really what I wanted. I needed to reconnect back to the world.
And that day came when my friend Francis invited me to go on Osmeña Peak in Matalongon, Dalaguete. I have always wanted to go there since 2016 but the chance has always evaded. Knowing that I could use it in a way to forget the aftermath of Judgement Day. On June 16, 2018, I went to Osmeña Peak thirdwheeling with Francis and his girlfriend Enna. I actually enjoyed the views and the hike itself, taking many pictures as well as taking their couple pics. We also went to the other hills and peaks surrounding the area. It was an unforgettable journey. We went back to the city around 4 pm. However, I was told that there was a tactical arms expo being held in the Cebu Trade Hall in SM City Cebu. After bidding Francis and Enna goodbye, I immediately went to SM and was amazed at the sight of the tactical products and guns being displayed. I even had pictures with the SWAT officers who were posted there. Before leaving the expo, I bought one tactical pouch. I went home around 5 pm to prepare for church. Unexpectedly, my groupmates Carmela, Meryl, and Kyle invited me for dinner after church. I said I'd catch up. After church, I went to Ayala to meet them and from there, we went to this cafe near Cebu Doctor's University -Hospital. They asked me if I was fine; I told them that I was slowly recovering from it. I also told them today was the longest day I had, first from Osmeña Peak to SM Cebu City to Ayala Center Cebu then finally this cafe. I also showed them the pictures of my trip and the tactical arms expo. It was good time spent with friends that really cared. As I returned home from the longest day ever, I found peace that night as my exhausted self went to bed.
Moving On
I had to think fast and well. Time was not on my side. For the last two weeks, I thouroughly thought of going taking a career in M.S. Biology back in USC. My plan was to surprise everybody, as it definitely would. I already told several close friends like Mark Tayco, Jenny, Francis, and my friend Dave who is currently in Japan for further training in computer science. I retook the entrance exam for the masterals course around the last week but I only told a few friends about it. On June 30, 2018, I made post that I will make a major announcement the following day. The next day, I made a long and thorough post why I will quit medicine for good and changing a career path. While my intention was to announce it why because I did not like medicine in the first place, it garnered a lot of reactions and comments from people who were proud of me for finding my true self and wishing me the best in my next endeavor. Finally feeling liberated, the serene feeling of peace and harmony came back after roughly 11 months. Though some people remained unaware that I would be transferring to masteral and expressed the possible wasted potential of quiting medicine. I explained to them my side as they wished me the best of everything.
Masterals began in the middle of August 2018. It is still as challenging as Medicine but I could feel better than before. No more panic attacks, no more outburts, and no more feeling of waking up terrified like what I did it medicine. Only then did I finally find true peace among myself. This career has been tedious but so far everything is going better than before. Then after doing this masteral and getting my Msc., I plan to enlist in the Philippine Navy but I'm still thinking about it for good.
Those who are pursuing medicine and fighting on despite the hardships, I commend you all.
For those who finished reading this long post, thank you for bearing with me. The past few months have been rough however I am still pushing on with my next career.